Holiday show...Logan went on stage!

Two years ago logan cried that someone was going to hurt him and we had to leave.  He cried until we left the auditorium.  He was so afraid.  It broke my heart in so many ways.  I was trying to protect him from all the pain, but he was deeply in it.  He cried for weeks after every time he left me.

We have spent the last two years trying to build his sense of security.  Last year he stayed in the auditorium but would not go on stage.  He has become afraid of so much.  The last month he has been telling me that he can't wait for the Holiday show.  I was not going to get excited until he was on the stage.

He was so excited to sit with his friends. Ava skipped on stage in her beautiful pink part dress and crystal hair bows that Gaga made her.  Logan was with his friends dancing and singing his heart out.  He looked so grown up in his button up and cords.  They were smiling.  It was fantastic.  Ava had her hands in her pockets swinging her dress around.  They were so happy.  I was so proud.

It took us so long but he was so amazing.  I teared up but could not cry.  It was in public.  It is these moments that I realize how much he lost.  We are so lucky to have the time to help him find his way back to good.  I am so lucky.  I am so insanely lucky.

two years ago...

Tomorrow will be the two year anniversary of the day I lost five people I loved. The world has never been the same.  I have never been able to look at people the same, to trust people fully again, but more than anything I miss my friends. 

It was a Friday and i was sitting in a circular booth at a local resaturaunt with my mom, grandma and two small children.  We were planning our day bickering over nuances I needed to buy a gift for a friends daughters birthday on Saturday.  She was turning five and shared my husbands birthday.  The kids were being rambunctious as young children tend to be.  We were ordering food when my mother got a call.  It was a friend of hers calling to say that something crazy had happened at hospice and she needed a ride.  She told my mom two women that worked there were murdered.  I knew then.  I begged mt mom to call back, I needed to know what their names were.  I already knew, I needed to hear out loud, I asked about the babies.  I needed to know, what I already knew.  The room stood still.  I looked up and everyone was gone, the room was so large and I was so alone.  It felt like I was a t the center of a fish hole lense.  I called a friend and simply asked, "Are the babies gone?" she said "yes".  I do not know what else I said to her.  I just know I was no longer in my own skin.  I was at the center of the lense, I could her mumbling but I was lost in my own terror.  They were all gone.  How could he of killed them all.  We no longer needed to buy that present, she would never be five.  My heart was beating through my chest as I screamed out in pain.  I was alone and they were gone, how do even begin to process this?  How do I tell my children? I had to call people, I had to know this was real.  I called up a friend who just lost her wife.  Her daughter just witnessed her mothers murder.  I had no idea what to say.  She never answers her phone why would she answer today.  She answered and apologized for not calling me earlier, I just told her that I loved her and that I was there.  I don't know if you ever know what to say.  I then had to tell my son why we would not be going to a birthday party the next day.

I had to protect my own children now.  I cold not tell my young son that a man that he loved and trusted, a man that pulled him out of a pool killed his two children, killed two adults he loved and then himself.  I could not tell him that a daddy could kill his own children.  I told him that there was an accident and that all these people were dead.  He had just lost his grandfather a couple months earlier.  He was only three.  I never wanted to shatter that bubble of innocence that young children have.  He said ok.  He asked about the party again, i had to tell him that there was no party.  He hugged me and went on playing.  I thought everything was as ok as it could be.  I was not ok, not even close, either was he.  We spent the next weeks forgetting our Christmas preperrations to go to funerals and memmorials.  Logan would not go to his Holiday program, he just cried.  He became so afraid of everything.  The break from school I thought would do him good, did not. 

When school returned he would scream and cry that someone was going to hurt him, he needed me to protect him.  I cried with him as his loving teacher hold him close.  I knew I had to send the message that school was safe, but I cried everyday leaving him.  I did not know if I believed that he was safe without me.  I did not feel safe.  How could I judge people, I trusted the man that just did this.  Logan was becoming engulfed in fear.  He was so sweet and innocent and loving.  I was hurting so much and so was he.

It has been two years now and logan went to a movie with friends without me on friday.  He was scared but brave enough to go.  He was so proud of himself for going and I was so proud of him for confronting his fear.  Tomorrow on the two year anniversary is the holiday show again and Logan is excited about going on stage and singing.  The past four months he has been coming back into himself and growing in leaps and bounds.  I am so proud and sometimes so sad, when I look at him and realize how much he lost.  He has grown so much.  It is beautiful how children can heal themselves.  I try to take this time and hold the gifts I have in my life close, to remember to tell people that I love them.  My heart still breaks when I think of how Drea would sing to Logan, and Olivia would play with Ava wanting her own baby sister. I will always hold my memories in my heart.  I will hold the people left behind in my arms and in my heart.  One of you doesn't like to return calls in a timely manner, you know who you are and you know that I love you still.  These were the people closest to me when I was starting my family. 

I miss my friends. 

Highschool revisited...best date ever(my ava dava do)!

I went to see the Nutcracker ballet with my mom, my 3yr.old, Ava my best friend Annike and her daughter, my niece Maya.  Annike's 6yr. old son Liem was in the ballet.  This performance happened to be at my old high school that is also a high school for the arts.  I did not anticipate how surreal this was going to be.  I pulled up at the school after rushing there from work in the pouring rain.  The school has been completely torn down and rebuilt.  I don't know if I expected it to still be able to feel my way around but I couldn't.  At the time it was oddly familiar.  The way everything was run was the sam the faces were just different, well not all of the faces. 

I remember walking through my first day of freshmen year with Annike and now here we were again, with our kids, ten years later.  I think that has a lot to do with it.  How has it been ten years since I graduated from high school.  I know that I am not old, yet.  It is just so strange.  I feel so much like that same awkward girl and yet it feels like a different life ago. 

It was amazing to watch my precious and beautiful little Ava glow with joy while watching the dancers.  She sat on my lap in the third row starring, still and quiet.  Ava is not ever really quiet or still so this is why I knew that this was important for her.  She loves to dance.  She is very serious about it and loves to make her body move. It is amazing to watch your child see everything that there heart wants to do.  It makes me want to take her more dance performances. I want to open her eyes to all the possibilities of the art she already loves at such a young age.  I remember loving to dance but she seems to have a passion and a gift for it.  I am looking forward to see where this glee and love takes her.  That little dancing pixie has my heart.  She is so beautiful in spirit.  Ava will pull my face into hers just to kiss me. She needs to be close physically with me.  It sometimes drives me crazy.  i think that if I hear that cartoonish "mommy" called at me to pick her up or come close and sit with her I will scream. I know that one day way to soon she will want nothing to do with me so I do my best to cherish her love and sweetness, even when i want to pull my hair out. 

She is so sweet and gentle and strong and bold that I sometimes forget that she is only three and so much still a baby.  I am so much still a baby trying to figure it all out.  This is what i was  galloping through my brain as I watched Annike walk out of the school with a kid on each hand disappearing into the rainy parking lot.  So much has changed since the first day of high school and yet so much still feels the same.  One day I will stop being so insecure.  It is coming especially regarding my children.  I am at least sure of that, my children are fantastic and I do have something to do with that.

minnie mouse gave my daughter a mullet

My kids are allowed to each pick one friend to give a present too.  We give them to relatives and that one friend each.  My daughter chose her new friend from school Lily.  Lily is spunky, sweet and insanely adorable with a side of mischief.  Ava wants to get her an asian looking styling doll, Lily is asian.  She said that she has a doll that looks like her, a tinkerbell, so lily should have one that looks like you.  This then made me laugh hysterirically.

Ava had her first playdate with out me about two weeks ago.  I asked all the right questions.  Do you have a gun? No, good. Does your pool have a locked gate? Yes, Good!  I had nothing to worry about.  I forgot one question that I had no idea I needed to ask, Does Lily know where the scissors are? The answer was yes.

I came to pick Ava up after a couple of hours.  Donna and I were sitting on the couch listening and watching the girls giggle in Lily's room.  It is so great for Ava to have a friend and not just be dragged around to big brother Logan's play dates.  We were just talking about how they always liked someone to go to the bathroom with them, when the girls went into the bathroom together.  They were giggling for about two minutes when we heard the water turn on.  That was our cue that something was wrong.

Donna and I came rushing into the bathroom to a scene that made us want to laugh, scream, cry and look to each other for how to react. I am just getting to know her and want to scream and cry, so I laugh.  Ava is sitting on the counter in a snow white costume with her beautiful golden curls strewn around the room punctuated with long black hairs.  Lily in her Minnie Mouse costume scissors in hand burst into tears.  They now know what they have done and worse they were in trouble.  Ava looks in the mirror and cries that she looks like a boy!  Donna and I laugh.  I can not exclaim enough how awkwardly funny about this situation.  You could not write  a funnier situation.  It looked as if edward scissorhands got drunk and decided to cut some hair.  It was hilarious as long as i pretended it was someone elses kid! I cried myself to sleep.  The next day I went out and bought clip in real hair extensions.  Ava gets to have fairy hair and I get to pretend my daughter does not have a mullet.

This is why I laughed when my daughter decided that Lily needed a styling head and thanks to disney fairies we were able to get one that look asian like.

Scrabble with strangers...even Zhu Zhu warriors can spell

Full on thanksgiving mom and I decided to rekindle an old tradition of consumerism for black friday shopping.  I work after care at my kids school and have been given an edge on the hot toys of the season.  That being said I have been on the never ending search for Zhu Zhu pets.  These are silly little fake hamsters for those of you who do not have kids of that age yet.  They all make silly little noises and then they move around and you can buy houses, cars, skateboards, balls and wheels.  Its insane.  I have been shopping for months for these.  Most stores only let you buy one to at the most four at a time.  I have waited in line several times with my mother.  I have even wrangled my husband into this endeavor.  I have finally gotten enough for my kids but was missing two of the set for my nephew, we can't have one kid not have as many as the others.  All must be even.  That brings me back to Thanksgiving night.  ToysRus was opening at midnight, my mom and I got there at ten.  We were already almost at the end of the building, 112 people back.  It was a diverse crowd that kept growing and growing.  The staff kept coming out side to check on everyone and finally decided that the police would be needed.  We ended up talking with people around us to women in front of us also waiting on the elusive zhu zhu ended up playing scabble with my mom, yes my mom brought scrabble.  I draped a very tired six year old girl in a sling I had in my car.  I also draped my self and my mom in them.  We did not think we were going to be able to get a zhu zhu but they also had great deals on lego star wars.  The managers came around the crowd and handed out item cards.  We actually got a zhu zhu pet each!!  A woman handed me an extra house so we have everything we want for Damien for christmas, Yipee!  We escaped Toys R us in 30 minutes to a parking lot still full of people.

Excited by our zhu zhu adventure we went straight to Target so i could get a present for my husband and one for my brother and sister in law.  We got there around 1am.  We were only about fifteenth inline there.  The group in front of us was  a bunch of people in their late teens that had set up a T.V. and were watching movies and playing video games.  My mom and i set up our chairs for the four, yes I said four hour wait.  We ignored an obnoxious woman that constantly kept complaining about the kids and had a cop search their area for beer.  It was too much.  It was insanely cold so I ended up going to 7-11 where they had snuggli blankets.  It was a blast we got in quickly and got what we wanted for all of our peeps.  Its crazy what we do for people. 

I have been told that I am out there and crazy for staying up all night to shop.  That's the thing about being broke, you want to be able to do great things for the people that you love but you don't have the money to do just do it.  That is why I didn't sleep.  I need to be able to know that on that morning the important people in my life will have a great smile on their face.  I know that I do not need to but them stuff to show my love but I want to make their lives a little better.  Things are not important but sometimes things can simplify or just make life a little more enjoyable. So I got some things to put smiles on faces and got to spend a silly and great night with my mom.  It was a great way to spend a night.

Jack Daniels and whipp cream...mmm,mmm...Good!!!!

This was our first year not having Thanksgiving at my moms house which is also my house now.  It was a little uncomfortable for me at first.  I was trying to figure out how I fit into the whole day now.  I think others can understand just not knowing where you fit in, well in general.  I think that is my problem in life.  I am living with my mom so I am trying to have my family under her roof.  I have to be the daughter, mother and wife all under one roof and a lot of times those roles are adverse to each other.  I want to be able to do and be everything that people need from me.  So, that brings me back to Thanksgiving.  My sister in law or as I like to say my favorite fake sister(I have another sister in-law and a step sister) made an amazing environment and a fantastic meal.  My mom and I made a lot of the sides.  I made the mash potatoes as I do whenever we have mashed potatoes.  I use the masher that my grandfather Lenton Poole used while a chef in the army during WWII.  There was a beautiful moment when Logan and Ava stood on a chair and each took turns mashing.  They were fighting over who got to mash t e longest and who was the better masher.  It brought me back to my brother and I using the same masher fighting over the same things.  I was realizing at that moment that I did not have to be the hostess or the one taking on everything to belong.  My kids would not have the day without me.  That is where I belong in this line of great potato mashers.  When I got to my brothers and was greeted by my nephew who was so happy to see his Aves and my sister-in-law that looked stunning in classic pearls, I looked at my brother and saw my grandfather watch on his wrist and my fathers necklace around his neck and felt connected again.  The day went fantastic as my worries melted away.  I stared at Naima's home made pies decorating the counters and wanted to skip dinner to eat dessert.  The kids sat next to us at their own table making a hot mess and lots of noise.  They were all crazy but that is to be expected.  They all had so much fun together.  they played together all night until Damien passed out and we took our kids home, where two out of three of them passed out.  But back to the desserts.  I used to think that pumpkin pie was like a good husband you loved it, it made you feel good and it tasted good.  I recently discovered that I was starting an affair with pecan pie.  It is fun to eat and sweet and make me feel fantastic.  Well Naima made me get divoriced from pumpkin pie last night.  She added Whipp cream infused with Jack Daniels.  It had me at first whiff!!!  I don't think I have ever loved a desert so much.  I hope Naima knows that she is not allowed to ever leave the family that she has me addicted to her being in charge of a holiday and her fantasticle baking!!!  I am liking how our family is growing.  We have our growing pains but we are growing, so i guess that is how its supposed to be.  Like I said to start I am trying to figure out how I fit into it all.

Who should be cleaning up that pee?

Today was a great day.  We had no real plans, but cleaning the house.  My mom had her ideas of how and what needed to be done and sense we tend to but heads on things like that I thought for the benefit of all of us I should take the kids and jet.  We were able to get the kids and ourselves out of my moms hair.

Eric took Logan to his friend Dane's house.  The men folk played and wrestled and played video games all day.  I took Ava and Beckett to the mall to meet up with some awesome mama's that are into babywearing and such.  It was great.  I had a great time with the other moms.  It makes me realize how much I need to put in the time to cultivate new relationships.  I am not the best at that.  I need people that will almost force themselves into my life.  I just have so much going on.  I am also not willing to scarifice the time my kids deserve to have with me.  I know that everyone says that we deserve time for us but I didn't have kids for them to grow up with out me in their life.  They are in school so much of the week and I work and have school.  Its so hard to balnce it all.

That was not where I thought I was heading with this.  Ava was amazing at the mall.  I felt like such a proud mama.  Ava watched out for her baby brother at the mallplayground.  A newly walking baby could easily get lost in those playgrounds.  Ava was protective and sweet to him without me having to ask her.  She then made sure that she got a sucker from the candy kiosk for her big brother.  The lady offers her a sucker and she lloks up at him and says "You know I have a big brother too, he likes suckers!"  It was so sweet and cute.  She then just says thank you!  We walked around the mall and she was fantastic.  She stayed near me and didn't whine once!!!  It was amazing.  We went home and helped clean.  Ava dusted everything while I cleaned the downstairs bathroom.

Does anyone else think it ended up like a throwback to sexism that the girls went to the mall and cleaned while the boys stayed out and played all day.  I was cleaning the floor around the toilet that my Logan seems to pee on everyday.  I am going to start making him clean the floor after he pees.  I know he can aim, i have seen it but he looks around and his pee moves with his head.  So he played while I was on my knees scrubbing the floors.  So Logan is going to have to clean up his own pee and I paid Ava for her cleaning.  I figured if I paid her it would make it feel less sexist.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I will spend the day thinking of what I am thankful for and planning my black Friday attack plan.

training wheels

So this is my first blog. One more step on my journey to be a better social net worker or to be just plain better. I am a mother of three that fumbles through motherhood on a daily basis. I try my best and am constantly failing and succeeding all based on what kid you ask. I just want to be able to connect with others.
Today was a good day as ice t would say so far no tantrums nothing spilled and lots of laughter. It can all go down hill pretty quickly. I am trying to just make it all work.
I am twenty-eight and live back home again with my mother, step-father, husband and three kids, Logan 5, Ava 3 and Beckett 1. It is never easy but mostly fun. My husband might tell you a different story but he spends most of his time working managing a fast food restaurant and lives with his in-laws.
We are all doing our best. Some moments our best is better than others. So this is me awkwardly fumbling through life, marriage and motherhood oh yeah and now I am a student again. I really do love my life I am just so tired.