Tomorrow will be the two year anniversary of the day I lost five people I loved. The world has never been the same. I have never been able to look at people the same, to trust people fully again, but more than anything I miss my friends.
It was a Friday and i was sitting in a circular booth at a local resaturaunt with my mom, grandma and two small children. We were planning our day bickering over nuances I needed to buy a gift for a friends daughters birthday on Saturday. She was turning five and shared my husbands birthday. The kids were being rambunctious as young children tend to be. We were ordering food when my mother got a call. It was a friend of hers calling to say that something crazy had happened at hospice and she needed a ride. She told my mom two women that worked there were murdered. I knew then. I begged mt mom to call back, I needed to know what their names were. I already knew, I needed to hear out loud, I asked about the babies. I needed to know, what I already knew. The room stood still. I looked up and everyone was gone, the room was so large and I was so alone. It felt like I was a t the center of a fish hole lense. I called a friend and simply asked, "Are the babies gone?" she said "yes". I do not know what else I said to her. I just know I was no longer in my own skin. I was at the center of the lense, I could her mumbling but I was lost in my own terror. They were all gone. How could he of killed them all. We no longer needed to buy that present, she would never be five. My heart was beating through my chest as I screamed out in pain. I was alone and they were gone, how do even begin to process this? How do I tell my children? I had to call people, I had to know this was real. I called up a friend who just lost her wife. Her daughter just witnessed her mothers murder. I had no idea what to say. She never answers her phone why would she answer today. She answered and apologized for not calling me earlier, I just told her that I loved her and that I was there. I don't know if you ever know what to say. I then had to tell my son why we would not be going to a birthday party the next day.
I had to protect my own children now. I cold not tell my young son that a man that he loved and trusted, a man that pulled him out of a pool killed his two children, killed two adults he loved and then himself. I could not tell him that a daddy could kill his own children. I told him that there was an accident and that all these people were dead. He had just lost his grandfather a couple months earlier. He was only three. I never wanted to shatter that bubble of innocence that young children have. He said ok. He asked about the party again, i had to tell him that there was no party. He hugged me and went on playing. I thought everything was as ok as it could be. I was not ok, not even close, either was he. We spent the next weeks forgetting our Christmas preperrations to go to funerals and memmorials. Logan would not go to his Holiday program, he just cried. He became so afraid of everything. The break from school I thought would do him good, did not.
When school returned he would scream and cry that someone was going to hurt him, he needed me to protect him. I cried with him as his loving teacher hold him close. I knew I had to send the message that school was safe, but I cried everyday leaving him. I did not know if I believed that he was safe without me. I did not feel safe. How could I judge people, I trusted the man that just did this. Logan was becoming engulfed in fear. He was so sweet and innocent and loving. I was hurting so much and so was he.
It has been two years now and logan went to a movie with friends without me on friday. He was scared but brave enough to go. He was so proud of himself for going and I was so proud of him for confronting his fear. Tomorrow on the two year anniversary is the holiday show again and Logan is excited about going on stage and singing. The past four months he has been coming back into himself and growing in leaps and bounds. I am so proud and sometimes so sad, when I look at him and realize how much he lost. He has grown so much. It is beautiful how children can heal themselves. I try to take this time and hold the gifts I have in my life close, to remember to tell people that I love them. My heart still breaks when I think of how Drea would sing to Logan, and Olivia would play with Ava wanting her own baby sister. I will always hold my memories in my heart. I will hold the people left behind in my arms and in my heart. One of you doesn't like to return calls in a timely manner, you know who you are and you know that I love you still. These were the people closest to me when I was starting my family.
I miss my friends.
